That City Bloke
Bathurst, New South Wales
Being brought up in the city, I was sent out to the farm
To my grandpa who was very strict, so I wouldn’t come to harm.
But a whole new world was out there, for me to come explore,
With that farm grown, healthy country food, and fresh air through the door.
Now some lessons were there to be learnt, and much to my disgrace,
I soon learnt just how dumb I was, and so much out of place.
The first, the water pump outside, to prime it was a must,
Or it wouldn’t spurt out water; it would only spurt out dust.
Well the cup it sat there on the hook, with water there inside
To be poured down in the water pump and could not be denied.
I thought it was just there for me to have a nice long sip
And when I pulled the handle all it could do was drip.
That followed with a lot of dust that blew my hat away
And no more water could come out, no water for that day.
I had to fetch it from the stream a couple of miles away
I think I’m not so popular, they might cut short my stay.
However this was nothing to the wherefore and the how,
To getting milk from Nellie, and just how to milk a cow.
Oh I thought it would be easy, just pull hard upon her tit.
But no matter just how hard I pulled I couldn’t get a bit.
She pooed on my good pair of shoes, then swished it with her tail
I copped it right across my face and then upset the pail,
I tied the tail up to the fence and thought I was real smart,
Then she kicked me in the shins and let off one almighty fart.
The stink was overpowering and I let out one big curse,
But then she kicked me once again, and this just made it worse.
I then tied up two of her legs and thought this was the end,
When there I spied my Grandpa, a coming round the bend
‘What do you think you’re doing to this my lovely Nell?
All trust up like a turkey, you have really given her hell
Untie her you uncouth young rogue, before I put you down
And get your bloomin’ sex from some young floozy in the town.’
Well Grandpa wouldn’t listen though I tried hard to explain
As I found myself being bundled, back on that city train.
Bio: AA Anderson calls this piece: a naughty romp relating to the day my brother learnt to milk a cow (or learnt not to).